


See Me

by Shadow_of_Quill



Category: Death Note
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-25
Updated: 2012-12-25
Packaged: 2017-11-22 10:33:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/608880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadow_of_Quill/pseuds/Shadow_of_Quill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Light sometimes thinks he'd give anything to have someone see him for who he really is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	See Me

**Author's Note:**

> For cotton candy bingo, prompt: open
> 
> Set in a world with no Death Notes.

_Please, please, please._ Light tries to pretend that he isn't silently begging. It is stupid of him to be so desperate for someone to just... _Open your eyes. See me._

The elaborate symbol hangs in his mind: black calligraphy on a white background, a single letter that most of his countrymen can't pronounce. 

Black eyes in a white face. Black hair falling over a white shirt. L is a monochrome enigma, and Light feels as if he's his last chance; if L, genius detective L, can't see past Light's masks and his own suspicions to who Light really is... 

_Please. Open your eyes._

L stares at him as he is introduced. Light plays his role, the role he always plays, covering the empty hole inside him as best he can. 

L's eyes are grey, not black, he realises with muted surprise. It doesn't alter the monochrome of his appearance. 

"I wish for a private conversation with Light-kun." 

He has to concentrate more than he should to keep his breath from shaking. It might not mean anything. He tells himself that fiercely, denying the spark of hope so that when it dies the loss won't hurt. 

But the look in L's eyes says that his silent prayer has been answered. He's not sure what L sees - but he's _looking._

***

They start arguing almost immediately. Light can't quite believe how easily L gets under his skin, how he can make him forget that his father is in the room to hear him being disrespectful, how he always finds that one weak spot in Light's armour to push against until it shatters and they're fighting again. 

It's horrifying. It's exhilerating. It's everything he needed and didn't know how to find. 

_It's not enough._

He tries to ignore that nagging thought. He knows how greedy it is. L _sees_ him, looking past the good marks and the pretty face and the nice manners that are all anyone has ever noticed, and even finds ways to bring what he sees out to where everyone else can see it - which he doesn't really like, but he supposes he should be grateful for it. L doesn't just see him, he shows him to everyone else. 

_What else could I want?_ he wonders, and doesn't follow that thought in case he finds an answer. 

Because L might see everything, but he interprets it all in terms of 'innocence vs. guilt', or 'me vs. everyone' - if you don't agree with him, then he assumes you won't side with him. Light wonders what his past must have been like, to make him so distrusting, but he can't find a way to ask that wouldn't be taken as an attack. 

L expects attacks. He sees any attempt to get closer as an attempt to get his guard down so that the next attack will be more effective. When it comes to social interaction, he is the most closed-minded person Light has ever met. 

Light knows what he wants. 

_Open your mind. Understand me._

He doesn't want L to stop being honest. He thinks part of him might die if L were to treat him as if he wasn't worthy of honesty. He just wants L to recognise when he, Light, is being honest in his attempts to be friendly. 

Light can't just throw away everything he hides behind when he's around other people. He's sure that if he did, L would just see it as an elaborate ploy. But he's beginning to think that he needs to find something as excessive as that would be, to get L to think about what he sees when he looks at Light. 

He considers, weighing options and possibilities, and comes to a conclusion. 

If L needs an ulterior motive, Light will show him one. 

The next time they're alone, he kisses him. L kisses back. 

***

The next few days are spent in furtive research. Light isn't sure if L is gay, if he's even interested in Light or just treating this as some ugly competition, but he needs to know what he's getting himself into. 

He likes the kissing, and he's not sure if he should. 

He's also not sure which of them starts the touching, but it feels better than he'd thought it would. He is beginning to suspect that his disinterest in the girls he's dated to keep up appearances might have a reason. 

_The reason is that none of them saw me for myself,_ he tells himself. He almost believes it. 

And then they're on a bed together, with supplies and no interruptions, and Light can't imagine wanting this with anyone but L. He moans into their kiss, meeting L's eyes, and L must see something in Light's that he didn't expect because he pulls back in shock. 

"What?" Light pants, tugging L back. L doesn't answer, but he's become more yielding, somehow, and when Light reaches for the lubricant and holds it up in silent question he spreads his legs instead of taking it from Light the way Light expected him to. 

Light is a little nervous, seeing his - _what_ is _L to him?_ he wonders suddenly, shocked to realise that he doesn't even know. They aren't friends; they fight too often and too fiercely. They aren't rivals; they work together for the same goal instead of trying to outdo each other. They aren't lovers; lovers trust each other and L will never trust Light. All that he can think is that L is L. And Light is nervous seeing _L_ spread out waiting for him. 

It's only reasonable. He's never done this before. 

But he's researched it. L doesn't need to know this is his first practical experience. 

He covers his fingers with the lubricant and reaches down between L's legs. He can feel the heat rising in his face, and part of him wonders how dark his blush is as his fingers slide between L's buttocks and search for the puckered opening that he's going to be entering - and he shouldn't think about that, it just makes it harder for him to control himself. 

L doesn't wince or fidget as the lubricant is smeared over his skin, Light aiming for the wrong spot at first and having to search further. When Light's fingers find what they were searching for and start to rub, his breath hitches for a moment - but that is the only sign he gives, and it isn't a sign of discomfort, so Light feels confident in trying to work his body open. 

It isn't going too badly. Light gets one finger inside L, but then he clenches down. It's not his fault, Light knows - the second ring of muscle is involuntary, cannot be forced to relax. 

It hurts a little to know that L doesn't trust him enough to let him inside, but Light knew it was likely, with L's paranoia. It doesn't stop him from staring at L as if he can pass along a silent order: _Open your body. Respond to me._

L stares back at him as if fascinated, and suddenly the resistance Light had felt from him is gone and his finger is going deeper, L gasping with surprise as his head falls back and his hips tilt instinctively, asking for more and the only thing Light wants right now is to keep making this feel good for L. There is nothing behind the wish, no plan to earn reciprocation or favours of some kind. He simply cannot imagine anything better than knowing he is giving L pleasure. 

It is harder to find the gland he has read about than he had hoped, but L's reaction when he does is all the reward he could have wanted. He kisses L, adding more lubricant to his fingers and inserting a second, feeling L jump and finally, finally open to him the way he wants him to. 

L speaks up, startling him. "Light," and his voice is dazed with pleasure in a way Light could never have imagined, "I'm going to come if you don't stop." 

"Good," he says, eager for L to do just that, come because of Light touching him. L is confused, he can tell, but he is lost in his orgasm before he can ask whatever questions he has. 

Light kisses him deeply as he's coming down from the endorphin high, almost able to ignore his own arousal in his glee at making L respond. 

L blinks at him as he draws back. "Are you going to fuck me now?" 

Light bites his lip to hold in the whimper that wants to escape. He means to say something that will let L know it's fine if he doesn't want to be fucked - and it is - but all that comes out is, "Please?" 

L nods, trying to spread his legs further. 

Light still doesn't know what L saw in his own eyes, but he thinks that there's a chance that he's seeing it now, reflected in dark grey. 

***

Light likes having sex with L. They try lots of things, usually at L's suggestion, and Light finds that he likes a lot of them. 

They still disagree and argue and fight, but L is beginning to understand that Light will stand beside him even when they do. 

And then... the case is over. L is leaving, and Light has no reason at all to feel so crushed, because neither of them ever pretended that this would be permanent. 

_But without the case, there's nothing holding us together,_ Light thinks, and despises the whining tone. His unhappy ruminations are disturbed by L coming over to him and holding out a scrap of paper that looks like it comes from a sweet-wrapper. 

The wrapper has a symbol on it. Light turns it around, wondering what it means. His head snaps up as he realises what it is. A clue, a challenge - a sign that L wants to stay in contact with him. He cannot give out clear lines of communication, but this... 

L nods, almost imperceptibly, as he sees that Light understands. There's another message in his eyes, though, and Light is awed as he understands it. 

_Open your heart. Love me._

"Idiot," he mutters, ignoring the groans of the task force that he cannot bring himself to be civil to L even when he is leaving. It doesn't matter. He knows L can see the rest of his message in his eyes. _I already do._


End file.
